False Self, Real Self

—Calligraphy and quote by Thich Nhat Hanh

“The more neurosis the more wisdom.”—Pema Chodron

How and Why We Form Personalities/Identities

Real self is an aware, basic goodness.

False self is a complex web of stories that we call our personality and take to be our real self.

Awareness and Goodness = you without “personality,” your familial, or culture definitions.  Or as Sadhguru puts it, “The less your personality, the more your presence.”

The real you  is hidden underneath the messages we picked up and formed into our conclusion about who we needed to be in a particular family and culture.  These messages may have been spoken directly to us , or implied by disapproving or approving looks and body language. This is the foundation for the creation of  a “false” self. 

When we had no language, or little language, we felt messages, and this was more powerful than the words we learned that eventually accompanied our felt knowledge. The experience we had of the world and our caretakers set the imprint that became deeper and deeper into our minds and hearts through repetition–our own repetition and addition to the stories, as well as the repetition of those around us and our cultures.  This repetition resulted in what Thich Nhat Hanh calls “habit energies” and, if they are negative enought, what Eckhart Tolle calls “the pain body.”  The stories take on a life of their own within us resulted in what we call our “self.”

Why bother to look at the stories we construct? Won’t that be counterproductive, self-indulgent, living in the past when I am told I must live in the present?   Can’t we just be positive and loving and change our minds and identities that way?  But our stories of who we are always active in the present.  This avoidance of our stories is often called  spiritual bypassing  (see more about this in my next blog) and is common among spiritual seekers.  Gangaji, in The Diamond in your Pocket provides a good explanation (as do many others) :

“I have often seen in spiritual circles that instead of a real examination of our storylines, there is a tendency to suppress the story.  In that suppression, the story may seem to be removed, but there is still no peace.  You cannot rest in the beauty and transcendence of yourself while suppressing the story…it is still going on, but since you identify your self as a spiritual seeker, you push it out of conscious awareness.  Spiritual conditioning has simply taken the place of worldly conditioning (60).“

She goes on to talk about the importance of self-inquiry,

“This most basic question, Who am I? is the most overlooked.  We spend our days telling ourselves or others we are someone important or unimportant someone big, someone little, someone young, or someone old, never truly questioning this most basic assumption. (49)

My Experience During the First 3 months of this Intensive

What we are doing in this intensive is actually just following The Four Noble Truths of Buddhism.  The First Noble tells us to simply begin by recognizing our suffering. The Second Noble truth tells us we can discover the causes of our suffering. The third Noble Truth says  that we can free ourselves from suffering.

The path to this freedom doesn’t have to be through Buddhism, of course, it can be different for each of us, but probably each path has the common requirement of developing compassionate self-acceptance and loving kindness that allows us to forgive ourselves, and to forgive others who have been “asleep” to their basic goodness: our real selves.

I’ve been attempting to uncover my real self that exists beneath my stories about who I am for the past 3 months during  an “intensive” course called  Deconstructing the Myth of Self,  offered  by the Florida Community of Mindfulness, a Buddhist group that follows the teachings of  Thich Nhat Hanh.

Again, this “work” will be sabotaged without self-compassion and non-judgment. In fact, for many of us in this intensive (about 50 people), our practice of  self-compassion is both most important and most difficult.  During the first month or two our teacher needed to keep reminding all of us to not judge what we saw as our “dark sides” or our “weaknesses.”  Instead, he encouraged us to be interested in our habits and stories.  Three months later, most of us have become more kind to our “false selves” and  more forgiving of how long we might have operated from these illusions–our ages vary from 30′s to 70′s.

We started the intensive with first  identifying  the false self and it’s origins.  It was helpful to refer to our “selves” in the third person:  She is agitated; she stays up late and obsesses about things she can’t control, etc.  It was– and remains– very useful to detach from “I” in this way.  I  found I am less judgmental about “her” than I am about “me.”

This is not an easy or quick process, of course.  In fact, it takes a lot of courage.  However, with the support of the teacher and my sangha members, I am surprised at the progress I’ve made in only 3 months.I  recognize the stories that create my identity.  I was not surprised by them because I have spent many years recovering from my childhood with two alchoholic parents, but looking at them in the context of finding my real self, instead of repairing my false self  has been powerful.  Of course,  skirmishes with my ego continue.  Ego–another name for fear– is all about me sticking with my stories!   However, I now sense some spaciousness in the clutter that is my personality.

One of the most liberating aspects of this process is that  I have discovered that I don’t feel a need to fill that space with a “better” self.   This is not about building  a nicer, more acceptable ego.   I’ve  stopped construction of any “new self” all together and take a look at what I built and why.  I chose this brick and that mortar because it was what was available in my family/society and was what everyone told me was the correct material.   However, the truth is I am not the bricks and mortar of my stories;  I am (we all are)  the spacious awareness inside, outside and all around the structures.

Some of us may think that is a frightening lack, an emptiness, but–with no effort on our part–as we truly let go, we fall into the arms of love naturally (people in 12 step programs experience this when they hit bottoms and finally admit they don’t have the answers).  When we stop clinging to the stories, or trying to change  them,  we look and see that spaciousness is full of goodness, compassion, acceptance.  If we are in the habit of controlling and clinging to people, places and things, we can find the lack of control frightening, but the emptiness/the absence of story  is actually where our security lies.  We don’t get to the our real selves until we recognize our false selves.  Here is where schemas come in.

Types of Schemas and the Brain: Why Our “Selves”  Seem So Solid and Real

Schemas are stories (based on childhood messages)  that form an habitual, fixed view of the world.  They are strategies to cope with the world; a way, we think, to gain love and safety.  During the formative years from  approximately 1-5, we  take mostly non-verbal  cues from our environment as we try to figure out who we are.  This pre-verbal information sinks deeply into the psyche of a child because it cannot be reasoned away and is felt more than understood.   Eventually we give these feelings about ourselves names and rationalize our deep connection to these identities.  Through habitual repetition of these stories we form a mind “rut”–an actual physical  imprint in the amygdala of the brain (the part that regulates the fight or flight response).  The brain can be changed though through mindfulness and meditation (note to self:  see pages 42-43 in Goleman’s book)

Gangaji, a fairly well-known spiritual teacher,  offers this explanation about stories and how they masquerade as practice, “Normally, you wake up in the morning and pick up the story of who you are.  You may do some mediation practice, but the real practice is the ongoing story of who you are.  The energy and emotion that the story generates gives birth to frustration, delight, pain, or pleasure, all revolving around this practice of the story of  ‘me.’ ” (italics mine)

It’s no doubt scary for most of us to investigate in this way because we feel afraid to be vulnerable and less than perfect–even to ourselves.  That is classic, controlling ego run riot!   But as Buddhist teacher and writer Ezra Bayd says,

“It’s a given that we don’t want to feel the fear of unworthiness, but at some point we have to understand that it’s more painful to try to suppress our fears and self-judgments, thus solidifying them, than it is to actually feel them. This is part of what it means to bring loving-kindness to our practice, because we are no longer viewing our fear as proof that we’re defective.”

We are all in the same boat; we all have some distorted image of ourselves, even if we  have been fortunate enough to have loving and accepting caretakers or cultures that provide warm regard and caring communities.  Those folks have fewer distortions and therefore have  less need for strategies to survive.   However, many of us were raised by people who saw the world through their distorted stories of their false selves.

The causes and conditions of our lives vary, of course–from great trauma and abuse, to minor obstacles and mild disapproval as we grew up.  So schemas can take many forms, and people with  the same basic  schema may look quite different from each other since no one’s causes and conditions are exactly the same. In her book, Emotional Alchemy, Bennet-Goleman explains,

“In fact, even siblings raised in the same emotional environment can adopt differing coping styles for example to…abandonment or divorce or death.   One child may adapt an over-compensating strategy  becoming very clingy and  seeking reassurance in late life; the other may take an avoidance approach, steering clear of attachment to others  lest they, too, leave and make him suffer as he did in childhood.”

I’ll offer examples of how some common schemas can look, but I caution you, dear reader, about the need for kindness to ourselves as we examine these strategies.  We used them because it was our best or only choice according to  the causes and conditions of our lives at the time. By blaming or judging yourself or your caretakers, you construct another false identity.

The most common and  basic types of schemas are: entitlement, emotional deprivation, unlovability,  unrelenting standards/perfectionism, abandonment, subjugation, mistrust, exclusion , failure.

Examples of a Few Schemas (as described in the book  Emotional Alchemy):

Subjugation: …revolves around feeling that one’s own needs never take priority. But while people with this pattern give in easily, they build up a hidden resentment that can smolder into anger–the hallmark emotions of this schema…originates in a childhood dominated by controlling parents who give the child no say…children learn their feelings and needs are invisible. They learn to be powerless, helpless about their own wishes and preferences…some become rebellious, {others} do not commit to things, thus avoiding agreements that might make the person feel controlled…still another is surrender…they can go along submissively with partners who are strong and controlling. While they may rankle a bit at feeling trapped, at least they feel secure in such a familiar relationship. You may get back at people indirectly, though by putting things off, missing deadlines, etc.

Entitlement:  ...centers on accepting life’s limits…”I can’t stand to drive the speed limit–I feel I should be able to go as fast as I want…” People with this schema feel special–so special that they are entitled to do whatever they want….Those with this schema seem oblivious to the unfair burden their entitlement might create for others.  This attitude can rise from being spoiled in childhood…or parents who set no limits.  Another source of the entitlement pattern derives for the same root as the unlovability schema:  parents whose love seems conditional of the child having a certain quality.  Such children may exaggerate their accomplishments…they cover (their sense of inadequacy, even shame) …with narcissistic pride.

Perfectionism:  This distorting lens…focuses on what’s wrong with what you’ve done.  The failure schema leads us to expect too much or too little of ourselves.  This critical lens can alight on any situation always seeking out flaws.  People with this schema often blur the fine line between a valid discernment and a judgmental opinion; they see their criticism as correct and appropriate.  One sign…is that you feel you have to keep pushing and pushing yourself to do more…The emotional root of this is a sense of failing no matter how hard you try.  To blunt the likelihood of criticism, these people drive themselves to work much  harder than they have to, or give up dong things for fear they won’t be perfect.

Vulnerability:  …can lead people to be overly conscientiouss in order to ensure a feeling of safety–extra thrifty to the point of denying themselves pleasure, or embracing extreme diet or health fads in the hope of warding off some dreaded disease.  Loss of control lies at the core of the vulnerability pattern. The distinctive emotional signature of vulnerability is an exaggerated fear that some catastrophe is about to strike. The roots of vulnerability can usually be traced back to a parent who had the same tendency to catastrophize or to a time a person felt as if something bad was about to happen. The child learns to worry too much, either by following the parent’s model or because there are real problems in the family to worry about.

Unlovabiity: Shame and humiliation are the most prominent emotions in this schema. The sense of being somehow flawed and unworthy of being loved is often instilled by parents who were hypercritical, insulting or demeaning. The message need not have be articulated in words; children pick up nonverbal expressions of disgust or contempt. One way of coping with such demeaning messages can be seen in the child who is so beaten down that he accepts them. Such a child capitulates, building a definition of himself that has a deeply felt inadequacy at its core. Another child might erect a facade of bravado. The adults with this schema tend to hide themselves, revealing little of their feelings, making themselves hard to get to know. Others hide their sense of defectiveness behind an arrogant bravado.They feel a deep sadness when they are alone with thoughts that no one would want to be with you.

Deprivation:  “My needs won’t be met” is the sentence that sums up the core belief of this schema.  One or both parents are so self-absorbed–whether in their work, in their own misery, or an addiction like alcoholism, or in constant preoccupation–that they simply did not notice or seem to care much about their child’s emotional needs.  The core emotions of this schema are a deep sadness and hopelessness stemming from the conviction that one will never be understood or cared for.  Like a neglected child, these adults often feel angry about their needs being ignored.  That anger in turn covers an underlying loneliness and sadness.  People with this schema may become demanding of attention, or conversely do too much for everyone else, or feel others should know their needs without being told.  They may become self-indulgent, spending too much or overeating.  Others become “parents” for other adults and feel they are never doing enough for another.

It’s important to understand that  most people have some combination  of these, but certain ones dominate more than others.

The Role of Mindfulness in Healing and Discovering Our Real Selves

According to the author, therapist and buddhist practitioner, Tara BennettGoleman,-“When we are the victims of schemas, we can easily be blind to the role of that pattern in our life’s repeated disasters.  The schema’s reality defines what we perceive and remember, but leaves us impervious to the fact that the schema itself is at work in our minds.  So we see the problem as ‘out there’ rather than in our minds.”

Many of us would prefer not to open this “can of worms.”  We feel it is too overwhelming to acknowledge our schema.  We might feel we are powerless over these learned habits of self-perception.  However, Bennett-Goelman tells us,

“Suppression is not mindfulness.  Mindfulness hides from nothing.  It allows us to cut through the daze of denial and be straight with ourselves.  Mindful attention lets us see the bare facts and not fall for our own cover stories.  When we can look directly at intense of painful emotions, we develop a kind of courage and acceptance of how things are naturally unfolding in our experience.  At such moments we are not driven by hope or fear, not likely to repress the pain, to distract ourselves to avoid it, or to hope for something to happen so we won’t have to face what we fear.  Instead…we see that we’re probably more afraid of our concept about how distressed we will be than the actual experience.  Confidence and patience grow from this bold, challenging awareness” (Bennett-Goleman 44).

“Mindfulness enables us to catch schemas as they begin to take us over. Our normal haste means that our emotional habits fly into action without us noticing what is happening–our minds are off somewhere else.” Mindfulness is the key to the door of NOW and the present moment is where all our answers lie. These automatic thoughts prove remarkably flimsy once we bring them into the clear light of awareness and counter them with evidence to the contrary” (153).

The Buddhist teacher and author Jack Kornfield says this about the power of mindfulness,

“With mindfulness we can learn that even powerful feelings and emotions are not to be feared.  They are simply energy.  When they are recognized, acknowledged, investigated, we are liberated from clinging {to them}.  And then we can choose.  We can act on those that need a response and let others be freed as the energy of life. ”

Meditation is a form of mindfulness that is especially useful in freeing ourselves of the false self:

“When we meditate, for example, we are not transforming ourselves. We are being transformed. Quiet, focused concentration enables something else to work in us and through us, something other than one’s usual ego-self. This opens us up and liberates a deeper grounding within ourselves. Our lack of self is what enables this process; it frees us from the compulsion to secure ourselves within the world. We do not need to become more real by becoming wealthy, or famous, or powerful, or beautiful. We are able to realize our nonduality with the world because we are freed from such fixations.” –David Loyd,  professor, writer, and Zen teacher.

“The truth of who you are is untouched by any concept of who you are…You are already free, and all that blocks your realization of that freedom is your attachment to some thought (italics mine) of who you are” (Gangaji 45).

“Learning that we can trust the creative energy of Life itself enables us to relax more and more, because we don’t have to make things happen by force of our will” —Swami Chetananda

Wisdom, free from the clouds of the two
obscuring veils
Altogether pure and shining brightly like
the sun
Waking us up from the sleep of our
disturbed emotions and the chains of
mental habit
Scattering the darkness of not knowing.
—-ancient Tibetan prayer